There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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