shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
