I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
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