I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
