There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
