I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
