in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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