you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
