So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
