i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize