I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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