So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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