We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
