All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
