Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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