i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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