This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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