for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
