Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
