Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
whose ass print is on the piano?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
