Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
