I didn't shave. On purpose
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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