Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
