i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
