Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
