How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
