My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
