um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
How external is "for external use only"?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
