take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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