I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Randomize
