I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize