You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
