I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
