apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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