when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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