he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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