whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
