I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
