Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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