Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
