I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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