: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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