Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
