i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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