believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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