You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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