I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Let's paint friendship bongs
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
