singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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