Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Never joke about your clitoris.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
