Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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