Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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