i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
