I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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