could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
