Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
