i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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