we have pet lesbian snakes
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
