So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
