after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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